Try Softer by Aundi Kolber, Chapter 3
Finding Strength in Connection:
A Deep Dive into Try Softer (Chapter 3) by Aundi Kolber
We often mistake "surviving" for "thriving." We believe the wounding breeds strength, but the truth is often much softer and more courageous than that. In Chapter 3 of Try Softer, the author dismantles the myth that we must "act okay" to be worthy of love and security.
The Attachment Reality
The chapter provides a vital look at attachment theory, breaking down the four primary styles. It was eye-opening to learn:
The Data: With 50–60% of people experiencing secure attachment, the remaining percentage struggle with how they navigate conflict and connection.
The Impact: Whether it’s the "avoidant" patterns or the "anxious/ambivalent" responses, these childhood blueprints don't have to be our forever story.
The Bottom Line: If we cannot find ways to regulate our own emotions, we will inevitably pass those dysregulated patterns onto the next generation.
A Quick Map of Attachment Styles
In this chapter, Kolber provides a helpful breakdown of how we relate to others and God when we feel threatened or overwhelmed. Here is the shorthand of what those look like in daily life:
Secure: You feel safe connecting with others and can handle seasons of distress without feeling like your world is ending.
Anxious/Ambivalent: You constantly worry about abandonment and might over-compensate by chasing validation or clinging tightly to relationships.
Avoidant: When things get hard, your instinct is to shut down, build a wall, and convince yourself that you don't need anyone anyway.
Disorganized: A combination of anxious and avoidant tendencies—longing for closeness but feeling terrified of it at the exact same time.
Moving Toward Reparenting
One of the most transformative sections for me was the "Ways to talk to your inner child" exercise. I realized that my wounds weren't just past events; they were current internal narratives affecting my daily peace.
As Brene Brown notes in the companion workbook, "What we don't need is to be told we're okay; we need to be seen." This chapter is a masterclass in seeing yourself with compassion.
Key Takeaways & Tools
I’ve been practicing the reflection questions from the workbook, specifically the prompts regarding the physical sensations of stress (like the tightness in the throat) and how they signal a need for God’s presence.
My favorite highlights:
On God’s Role: God doesn't always save us from the consequences of our wounds, but He offers a safe attachment that helps us navigate the fallout.
On Therapy: As the text wisely notes on page 68, some work is best done in the safety of a therapeutic relationship.
On Compassion: The work of paying compassionate attention to our inner child is not "soft"—it is the hardest, most necessary work we will ever do…gently.
Reflection Questions
If you are reading along, I highly recommend sitting with these two questions from the end of the chapter:
Take a moment to consider how you feel when you are near someone you would consider close to you. Do you feel calm? Anxious? Angry? Afraid?
Choose an affirmation below that will support you in trying softer with your wounds as you move toward an earned secure attachment.
If you feel afraid that the people you need won’t show up. …I am loved no matter what-even when people mess up.
If you tend to want to avoid connection when you are hurting…It’s okay to ask for help. It’s brave to ask for help.
If you feel disconnected from yourself, others, and the moment…I am here, and it’s okay to need connection.
(Don't forget to also check out Workbook Question #6 on page 28—it includes a list of Reparenting Statements that are statements to yourself to be gentle with yourself!)
Have you ever felt like you were just "acting okay" to get through the day? Contact me to see if I can help you on a journey to a soft approach on your journey.